Sexual abuse can leave survivors feeling violated, scared, shocked and shameful. And when survivors decide to speak up, the loved ones they confide in can feel a great deal of sadness, anger and determination to fight for their loved one whose been hurt.
As the friend, family member or partner of a sexual abuse survivor, you may feel the urge to ask them a lot of questions, especially if they didn’t report the abuse to authorities afterward. If your loved one didn’t take immediate action, you might feel confused, even enraged they didn’t. However, there are many reasons a survivor may not disclose or report their offender right away.
Those who come forward can face challenges
We’ve made considerable progress in how our society views and handles sexual abuse. However, survivors can still face many social and cultural obstacles that make reporting it uncomfortable and difficult. Here are a few reasons why:
- Many survivors feel shame: Sexual abuse is never a survivor’s fault. However, many who experience it feel like they’ve done something wrong or that they should have stopped the abuse from happening. This can cause survivors to hold off reporting the abuse, or telling their loved ones about it, for a long time.
- Survivors often worry others won’t believe them: Female and male survivors can both hold this fear. However, for men, sexual abuse can carry a different stigma. It often stems from the rape culture narrative that men don’t experience sexual abuse and that if they report it, their friends, family members or authorities may view them as weak, insignificant or unworthy of being a man.
- Some survivors fear retaliation from their abuser: Suppose your loved one’s offender is someone with considerable influence in the community, such as a priest, city council member, small business owner or doctor. In some cases, they may try to use their power to silence survivors and limit their ability to hold them accountable. The survivor may worry about the consequences their abuser’s retaliation could have on them and stay quiet out of fear that they will ruin their lives. For example, survivors may worry about their abusers getting them fired from their jobs or kicked out of community groups. Other survivors may worry about the abuser rallying others to harass or threaten them.
There are ways you can support survivors
When a loved one tells you they’ve endured sexual abuse, you may feel overwhelming and intense emotions. You’ll likely have questions and want to take immediate action against their perpetrator. At the same time, it’s important to understand how your loved one feels and what they want. If they’re not ready to report their abuser, it’s important to respect their decision and not try to push them in a particular direction. And if they decide to pursue their perpetrator, you can remain a loyal ally in their journey towards seeking justice.