"Only" is a very simple, four-letter word that means so much. Often used to quantify or put something in perspective, the word 'only' is helpful-But not always. When it's used in connection with child sexual abuse, it's, in fact, quite the OPPOSITE of helpful. It often hurts. It's often used to MINIMIZE the horror of child sexual abuse. That almost inevitably adds even more pain to the already severe pain many victims of such heinous crimes already feel, even decades later.
We've all heard the word 'only' used in this dismissive, insensitive way:
- 'Well, he only touched you once.'
- 'He only took you on that one trip, right?'
- 'Thank heavens it was only groping, and not penetration.'
- 'We should be grateful that it was only one football player, not several.'
- "It could have been worse, right? You only spent the night over there once."
But there's an even WORSE way the word 'only' is sometimes used. As wrong and hurtful and minimizing as it is when used to describe heinous crimes, it's worse when it is used by crime victims themselves. While we at Horowitz Law are not psychiatrists or psychologists, based on our considerable experience, we'd venture to say that trying to minimize the horrible effect of childhood victimization is often the single most common coping mechanism used by survivors.
Somehow, it's less overwhelming, less depressing, and less concerning to victims if they can convince themselves that, "Well, it was bad of course. But not THAT bad." This kind of thinking may be slightly comforting in the short term, to diminish and perhaps dull the harm survivors endured. But over the long haul, we at Horowitz Law believe that it's often unhealthy for abuse victims to define their pain in lesser terms rather than see it for what it really is: a horrific violation, even IF it was 'only once' or 'only groping' or any of those other minimizing and inaccurate comments.
So our advice: No matter whether you're a victim or not, be careful about using the word 'only' when talking about child sexual abuse. Granted, there are some instances in which the word 'only' IS appropriate to use regarding abuse. Here are a few:
- "Only the survivor knows what's best for him/her."
- "Only VERY RARELY do predators only strike once."
- "Only the privacy of the abused, not the abuser, should be protected."
- Only in rare instances do abuse survivors disclose ALL their abuse initially." (Gradually, as loved ones earn a victim's trust and as a victim gains confidence, they may later reveal many more crimes against them.)
Another phrase to watch out for: "You weren't. " As in:
- "You weren't five years old" (implying "You were old enough to have responded differently")
- "You weren't drugged out of your mind" (implying "You could have resisted or fought back")
- "You weren't held down and tied up (implying "You could have run away")
It's worth keeping in mind and reminding others that none of us can know how we might react to an inappropriate touch or remark, a too-tight hug, or a quick grope of a private body part until it happens to us. So when talking with a survivor, we should try to avoid phrases like "You weren't. . ." because those words often suggest that, at the time of the abuse, the survivor might have behaved differently. In fact, we've all seen news clips, videos, or read accounts of brave individuals who perform harrowing rescues of people who were drowning or trapped somewhere or in a fire. The 'hero' often admits later that "I had no idea I would react that way." None of us are good at predicting how we'd respond in a tense, unusual, or life-threatening situation.
Here are some instances in which credibly accused predator priests use the word 'only:'
- Fr. Donald Bowen of Boston admitted "that he forced (a girl) to perform oral sex on him" but "only once or twice."
- Fr. Timothy Joseph Evans of Colorado claimed, in court, that he'd met the boy accusing him of abuse "only once."
- Fr. Evans was convicted and sent to prison. He'd molested multiple kids.
- Msgr. Vernon E. Gardin of the St. Louis archdiocese rationalized housing predator priests in a house in a residential neighborhood by distinguishing between those who repeatedly assaulted kids and those who had "a one-time minor occurrence."
- Similarly, according to a news report in Joliet, Illinois, Bishop Joseph Imesch "believes priests who have had only one sexual abuse incident happening many years ago should be allowed to remain in the clergy."
- Fr. James Aylward of the San Francisco Archdiocese "was found with the youth in a darkened rectory room" by a fellow priest. Fr. Aylward later claimed the one-time incident was "horseplay and wrestling" and publicly apologized. According to one news report, "Fr. Aylward admitted in a deposition that he had a history of inappropriate touching of minor boys. He said archdiocese officials had never asked him whether he had engaged in such conduct with other youths."
The bottom line: Child sexual abuse victims hurt enough already. None of us should inadvertently add to that hurt by using language that even subtly denies or minimizes the crime they suffered. And if you are a victim yourself, you do yourself no favors by denying or minimizing your suffering.
Horowitz Law is a law firm representing victims and survivors of sexual abuse by religious authority figures and other clergy. If you need a lawyer because a member of a religious organization sexually abused you, contact us today at 888-283-9922 or [email protected] to discuss your options today. Our lawyers have decades of experience representing survivors of clergy sexual abuse nationwide. We can help.